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IF IT DOESN'T
KILL YOU... |
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"Do you
hate her because she's pieces of you?" -For Austin,
always the heart and soul of Lain. |
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Part I: A Long Cold Night |
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The air was cold, and the shadows lined Empok Nor. Tagen Illyana stared through the darkness at the ceiling not knowing if it was truly cold, or if it was her bundle of emotions that made her feel the chills. But either way... The darkness chilled her blood. |
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She heard no voices around her which was good. She was tired, she was hurting... She felt alone. Sure, she could reach out to anybody willing with telepathy, but that wouldn't be real companionship. That would be nothing but a shallow echo of what she needed at the moment. She wanted to be alone, and yet, there was something in her heart that she has ached for unknowingly. |
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At this time of day, most of the crew should have been sleeping. The Maquis have to sleep sometime, and Tagen volunteered to stand guard this night... to be alone, to think. She never allowed herself to think on any other ship, but the Barracuda was different for some reason. This was the first time she has stepped back to look at what she had become and what she was becoming. |
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Footsteps. Her hands wrapped around her dagger as she rolled to her side. She narrowed her eyes to peer down the corridor as she sat up against the wall. She listened well to the boots that echoed down through the heart of the darkness. |
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"What are you doing?" Ty questioned him as the Cardassian figure came closer to her, and his form became more recognizable. He saw flecks of light on her face and noticed Tagen's eyes light up as she recognized who he was. |
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"You know my presence too well, Tagen," He said softly sitting down next to her. It felt good for him to get off his feet. Too much has happened to him, and he felt more tired that usual from the pressures. Lain Derot felt like hell was reaching out its arms to him, and he had to find a way to push it all away. But looking at her stopped the feeling, she was happiness to him. Behind the scar and rough edges lay something else to him. |
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"That doesn't answer my question," She said looking up to him, slouching back against the wall and leaning on him to hold her up. |
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"I couldn't sleep so I decided to walk through the darkness, I suppose. I knew you would be out here..." He trailed off resting his head against hers. He closed his eyes to just listen to her, no words... just to hear her speak, to hear her breathe. |
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"So you distract me from my job," Tagen teased him setting the dagger beside her. |
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"You were laying down, staring at the ceiling... I was not distracting you from your job," Lain pointed out to her as he always did. He liked to make her know when she was wrong. Monet didn't mind. She loved to listen to him, to anything he told her. She would rather lay there and listen to his words than to speak at all. |
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She fell quiet and his eyes looked down on her motionless face. He nudged her slightly to make sure she was awake, and when she looked up at him, he knew that he hadn't lost her attention. |
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"You always go quiet like that... Why don't you tell me a story this time, Tagen. The night is long tonight... Tell me a story," He said putting his arms around the Betazoid laced human. |
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She groaned a bit and hated to be put on the spot like that, "I don't know any stories," She told him touching the warm skin of his hand. He put his hands over hers feeling the coldness of hers. She was always cold. She didn't have her coat this time, though. It had long since been destroyed when she tore it to stop his massive bleeding. |
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He sensed something in her this night. He heard in her voice that something was on her mind, "Would you rather me leave you alone?" He said off the subject. |
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"No, Lain... I don't think I want to be alone right now..." She told him rethinking her earlier thoughts. Tonight, she did not want to be alone in her thinking. When Lain was with her, she felt different. She felt complete. |
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"Then talk to me." |
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"I will tell you a story... How long do we have before-" |
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"Several." |
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"Okay, I will tell you a story of a girl named Tagen Illyana Monet... I will tell you of who she once was and why she has come to be what she is now," She said sharing her thoughts to him... Thoughts that she never wanted to share aloud. |
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"I'm
listening," He told her and closed his eyes to see nothing but pictures
in his mind, and hear nothing but her words. |
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Part II: Once a Child |
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"Tagen Illyana Monet, born by the union of the human, Luc, and the Betazoid, Bethany. Younger sister to Genevieve Augusta. June 30... Lain, did you realized that my birthday passed? I had forgot it myself... I'm 22 now," She said breaking for a moment. |
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"No, Tagen, I'm sorry I had missed it," He told her opening his eyes for a moment, kissing the top of her head, "Happy belated Birthday." |
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"It's not really important..." She mumbled forgetting her age and continued. |
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"Tagen Illyana... Green-blue eyes and dark brown hair, a big child from the beginning... very long, tall... hated wearing dresses and pink. Maybe that was the beginning stages of being a tom boy. |
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"Genevieve was two years old when Tagen was born. She had a claim to her sister somehow, wanted to be her teacher and her protector. Her sister was everything to her. They lived in a small house on Earth, New Orleans to be exact. The neighborhood was nice, but very artificial when it came to the personality of the neighbors. Each and every one of them had their holier than thou attitude... Purity, perfection lay in being fully human, little pretty bows, good children, sick perfection. The Monet's were perfection in their own terms. They never cared to fit into the image that the neighbors wanted them too. Luc and Bethany were happy here until they were able to go back to Betazed. |
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"When the two girls lived in this neighborhood, Tagen was only one... she didn't know how to hate or how to be biased. She knew how to only be herself, a child. One who didn't like wearing frilly dresses and bows in her hair. She was one who would run through a field of flowers looking for a frog to play with rather than a perfect daisy. The daisy would come later when the frog jumped away into the muddy waters. She got yelled at by Mrs. Hanover the last time she ran into the muddy stream. She didn't want to get yelled at again. So Tagen cried as she watched the frog jump away and as the mean older woman watched her scoldingly. Where Tagen was, Genevieve wasn't too far away... Eve was older than her age. She knew more than she should, and she said more than she should have. |
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"She could hear Tagen crying. Their telepathic link was strong enough. She would run through the field and see the girl on the side of the stream. Mud on her shoes and tears down her pale, thin face. Genevieve yelled at Mrs. Hanover for making a one year old cry. She was three, almost four, and she sounded like she was 16. She couldn't bear to see Tagen heartbroken. It was her sister, her only sister. She had to protect her sister from everything. |
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"She was stronger too. She picked Tagen up, as tall as the girl was, and carried her back through the field. She found that perfect daisy and picked it. The white petals flashed in front of Tagen's eyes. She wanted the frog more, but her sister was giving her something. She accepted it into her small hands and played with it. The tears stopped and she soon forgot about the frog in the muddy stream, and the mean old lady who wouldn't let her chase it through the streams anymore. She was content. |
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"Eve was only happy when she knew that Tagen was content. It was almost as if she had vowed her life to making sure her sister was safe, was happy. Genevieve was able to make it when it came to the other children. She was the perfect little girl except for being part Betazoid, almost as if it was a disease. They looked past it with her pretty brown hair, curled and pulled back. She could charm them for anything... and this was the way to get them to leave her sister alone. The adults at least. The children were more cruel. |
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"When Tagen was two years old, Keely Andra Monet was born. Soon, it would be time for them to move to Betazed. The house being built was almost done. Tagen looked at Keely's brown eyes and was jealous... she wasn't the baby anymore. She would be forgotten. Maybe Eve would forget about her too... |
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"She was pushed down one day, hard into the ground by an older girl... six maybe. She wasn't doing anything in particular... looking at a bug on a fence probably. Her dark hair was falling in front of her eyes. She hated it to be pulled back. For no reason, she was pushed down. Aja.. that was her name. Aja Browne. Genevieve didn't even like Aja, and Genevieve usually liked everybody. |
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"Aja didn't like many people either. She especially didn't like Tagen... maybe it was because Tagen wouldn't play dolls with Aja's younger sister. Tagen didn't own a doll, she didn't like them. She wanted to climb a tree or chase frogs. |
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"She cried after she realize she had hit the ground. She cried even more when she saw that she was bleeding through her ripped pants. Her knees were looking really bad and her hands burned and were bleeding also. Aja kicked her and told her to stop crying. Aja said that if she got into trouble she'd kill the girl. Tagen was two, she didn't know any better. She just cried, especially when she was in pain... which wasn't too often. Genevieve was always near by to help her, to make sure she didn't get hurt. |
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"But the girl wouldn't stop crying, and Aja was ready to strike her before a four year old hand wrapped around her wrist. Aja looked at Genevieve through narrow eyes; she was almost surprised that Eve was as tall as she was. There was no way that Genevieve would allow her sister to be struck. She pushed Aja Browne down into the ground just as hard, the pretty dress was ripped up and Aja was in pain. Genevieve didn't care and she gave Aja a warning. If she would ever touch Tagen again, next time Genevieve wouldn't be so nice. Eve picked up her crying sister and took her home to be fixed. After that, Eve wouldn't leave Tagen out of her sight... ever. |
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"Betazed... It was different. The people were nicer than in the old neighborhood... That's not to say that people on Earth are not nice... it was just that one area... |
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"The girls grew up happy here. They had to be only themselves. Genevieve was the older one. Very pretty, feminine, but very much a fighter. She took up to look over her sisters, to protect them. She was a good sister, a good friend to Tagen. For the next years, Tagen and Genevieve were best friends. Keely was the youngest one... The baby, she wasn't a fighter, very much a girl. She liked to take care of animals, though. She liked to help. She would make herself known someday... and Tagen. Everybody in their town knew Tagen. She was friends with all the boys. Some adults thought her to be a slut, or loose. But she wasn't. She didn't think about relationships, just having fun. Playing games, climbing trees, building things... but she was never the fighter. She never had to be. Her sister, the boys, they would all protect her from anything that would hurt her. She was like them, but they saw her as fragile, like she would break if harmed. But she never noticed. She was having fun. |
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"Tagen was a good student, though. She was very smart, and questioned the authority a lot. They didn't necessarily like this, but they knew it was in her personality and mind to do so. She never caused disruptions with her questions, though. She would ask and then understand when they were cut off... she would come back and ask later. She didn't want to be a problem. But she wanted to be informed, and wouldn't accept things as they were. Teachers liked her... she received high marks and high recommendations all through school. The Monet's were very proud of their daughters, all very intelligent. Luc and Bethany wanted them all in Star Fleet someday... to make them proud." |
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Tagen stopped speaking for a moment, and Lain opened his eyes to try to make out any expression on her face. There was none... a slight frown and her eyes staring out in front of her. He wished she would continue speaking to him, but apparently she was putting things together in her mind. |
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"I'm sorry, Lain," She eventually said with her eyes still focused on the darkness. |
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"Why?" He responded arching his eyebrows a bit surprised by her apology. |
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"I don't remember those memories so clearly... just bits here and there. Nothing of importance..." She frowned as he tightened his hold around her trying to comfort her. |
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"Hardly, Tagen... it gives insight to who you are. You said so yourself before you started telling your story... What you do remember has had an effect on your life... Continue..." |
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She nodded knowing he was right. Her mind searched back through events and wondered where she would take the story next. Yes, the darker times... The raw impact. |
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Part III:
Impact |
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"Tagen was thirteen when she decided that she was going to take everybody's advice... she was going to try to get into Star Fleet Academy at fourteen. She could do it. Genevieve had... Yes, I forgot to mention that... When Tagen was twelve, Genevieve had finally left her side. She was in Star Fleet Academy. At the time, Genevieve was going for Security, but that changed... Genevieve had found that helm was her strong point, even got her into the Nova Squadron... But the point was, Tagen was alone at this point. She was changing herself too. In the midst of her being a tom boy, she and the boys noticed that she was changing. Every day she looked more beautiful to them, less like the girl who would run through the mud with them. It came to this point, where she couldn't be just friends with them anymore. As much as they didn't want to hurt her, they knew that things were becoming different. She lost many friends between the ages of twelve and fourteen. Things they all used to do weren't as fun anymore. All the guys were looking for relationships with girls to get cheap feels and a few tricks. Things had definitely changed... She resented the fact that now, every time they looked at her she was more like a sex object than their friend. She concentrated on her schooling... She was going to get into the Academy. |
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"While Genevieve was away, Grey Senak was Tagen's best friend. They grew up together. And over the course of change, she had found that she cared more about him than just friendship. Tagen wouldn't act on it, though. He was her best friend. She didn't want to ruin anything. She had heard bad things about Grey, though. About how he treated women with no respect, how he was mean to old girl friends. Grey was two years older than Tagen. But she shrugged it off. She had known him since she was three. |
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"He had promised to teach her how to be a fighter, how to use weapons... how to aim and such. She wasn't good at things like that. She had never learned, and to get in, she would have to know how. Genevieve was visiting home at this time with her boy friend, Tanis." |
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Tagen stopped for a moment not liking the taste of the memories that would be following. She continued, though, because Lain had always made her feel safe. |
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"Among the things that Tagen was being taught by Grey was archery, to improve her aim. It didn't take her too long to catch onto anything. She was becoming quite skilled at the weapons she had be taught. They had set up a range for her in a small forest. Soon she would be tested... she needed to keep practicing. |
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"Her eyes would pick out the target quickly, fingers ready to let the arrow go instantly. He was impressed by her quickness, the skill that she was beginning to show. She was a promising student... but he looked at her different today... something in her stomach didn't like the feeling in the air. That day was different somehow. Her eyes focused on a moving target and too quickly she released it. But she struck it... she was good. |
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"'You're going to have to tell everybody who your teacher was,' Grey told her after she struck down all of her targets, taking the bow away from her. She looked at his eyes, she didn't like them that day. They looked... bad. |
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"'I will, don't worry. Thank you, Grey... I guess I really owe you for teaching me all this... I wouldn't have had a fighting chance,' She responded trying to ignore the odd feeling in her stomach. She started to pick up the arrows on the ground as he grabbed her wrist tightly. She looked up at him suddenly. His face was different... This wasn't the Grey she had grown up with. This was the Grey that she heard people talk about and who Tagen didn't like. |
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"'Let go of me,' She said snapping her wrist away falling back from a loss of balance, 'Let's go home.' Her voice was clearly angry and he stepped on the arrows she was trying to pick up. |
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"'Don't kid yourself, Tagen, this is what you've wanted since everything started changing with everybody. You're not longer just one of the guys, Monet. You never were. You were fun to hang around with when we were kids. But now you're more,' His voice wasn't the same either. He sounded wicked and this scared her... none of the boys. None of them ever talked to her like this. It wasn't sweet and kind... it was full of intent to hurt... she could sense it on him. |
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"She stumbled backwards almost petrified, 'What am I now, Grey? Am I just some toy to you...' She shouldn't have spoken. She should have ran. She didn't know how to fight well enough. She was always protected... She didn't want to get hit or hurt... She should have ran. He pulled her up by the arm. |
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"'Come on, Tagen. I've known what you've thought about him, how much you've cared for me... You have to learn to shield your telepathy more... You don't use it right like others. You're weak,' He told her making her feel like dirt, making her feel helpless. He pressed his lips very harshly against hers. She tried to push him away from her but he was much stronger. She didn't want this. This wasn't the Grey she thought she loved. He had her arms and she cried so much because he wouldn't let go of her. Genevieve wasn't coming for her this time... she was alone. He had threatened her... if she would scream, he'd kill her. So she cried. |
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"Her back was pushed up against a tree and the bark tore at her bare shoulders. She kept trying to fight him and every time she tried to push him away, he became meaner, rougher. He bit her neck and it actually hurt her... even if it wouldn't have in a normal and better situation... and she broke her wrists from his hand after he had touched her breast. She pushed him back onto the ground but he grabbed her ankle and she fell face first to the ground trying to run away. She screamed on her way to striking the ground. Something in her mind clicked... Genevieve was near, she was looking for her sister... She prayed that she would be found... she hurt... |
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"Grey's knee pinned the back of her leg down and it felt like it was crushing her leg. He grabbed her by the waist and violently picked her up-" |
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Lain stopped her as soon as he saw a tear rolling down her face. He pulled her closer to him trying to comfort her, not wanting her to hurt so much. |
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"You don't have to tell me the rest..." He whispered to her, "Did he-" He started. |
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"No..." Tagen whispered before she continued. |
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"Genevieve and Tanis could feel the emotions and had found her before Grey could do anything that would ruin Tagen forever... Ty never saw Grey again physically, but he haunted her nightmares for years to come... and Tagen would never allow herself to love anybody again." |
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"But she did," Lain interrupted. |
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"Yes." |